Recently, I was asked a pointed question: “Did you become a writer so you could hide behind your computer?”
Without thought, I spouted, “Yeah, probably.”
You know the kid that was always picked last in school? Yeah, that wasn’t me. I’m the girl that was chosen first, captain of this and president of that. I was voted “Best Personality” and “Most likely to be Famous.” People love to be around “me” even if they don’t really get who I AM.
“People love to be around “me” even if they don’t really get who I AM.”
In one of the most compelling moments of my life, a complete stranger in a restaurant was eavesdropping on my conversation. With tears streaming down his face, he said to me, “They say the harvest is ripe and the laborers are few but they haven’t seen you yet.” Holy Cow! I’m just trying to help a friend over here dude. That’s too much pressure.
Many mornings I open my eyes and that quote pops into my head. When it does, I pray… “Lord, you know I AM not trying to be seen, but send “me” wherever you want “me” to go.”
The Lord responds, “You know that makes no sense, right?”
“I created a nom de plume to keep who I AM as private as one can be in this culture of Me! Me! Me! all the way home.”
So instead of living out the many words spoken over “me” — instead of being who God told me I AM, I came up with a plan. Yep, the “p” word that makes God laugh. (Proverbs 19:21) I created a nom de plume to keep who I AM as private as one can be in this culture of Me! Me! Me! all the way home. I stayed in my cocoon and only came out when there was work for “me” to do. It has worked for “me” but hasn’t done much for who I AM.
So now, I AM trying to figure out how to affectively (yes “a” not “e”) be “me” because I realize that is all people can see. It’s “me” that will be characterized by people that don’t know who I AM. The balance between being “me” and being who I AM means the difference between achieving the things on my vision board and running back to South Africa. (Shout out to Dave Chapelle for the inspiration to be who I AM when they want to make “me” something else.)
The bottom line is this…
I AM an empty vessel for God and I want God to use “me” for His glory. But — I AM a little afraid of what that looks like for “me.” So I’m taking twenty-six more days in my cocoon to think about it. I’m still trying to work it all out…and it’s likely going to take another twenty-six years but having Big Hairy Audacious Goals is kind of who I AM.