Dear Ray and Janay

(Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Dear Ray and Janay,

I’m sad and my heart goes out to both of you. True love and compassion moves me to not only feel love and support for Janay, but also to feel for Ray’s pain and brokenness. I learned this from the teachings of the Dalai Lama who said,

“You must not hate those who do wrong or harmful things; but with compassion, you must do what you can to stop them — for they are harming themselves, as well as those who suffer from their actions.”

When I was your age, I was finally coming out of the mess I created in my twenties.  What kept me in tears and frustration seems like a lifetime ago.  I guess that’s why the Bible calls them “light and momentary troubles.”  It sure did not feel “light” and it seemed like they would last forever. But it did not.  Neither will this….unless you decide to stay entangled in your brokenness. Drown out the judgement of others and start building a healthy life. 

My recommendation is for both of you to get the individual help you need. This is not a case for couples coaching or counseling.  That will come later when you figure out who you will be and how you will live as a couple.  You will not be able to decide that until you decide who you are as individuals and handle your own personal issues. You now see that two broken people simply produce a broken couple.  Right now there are two questions to answer:
Janay:  Why can’t you see the value that God has placed in you? What is your purpose for living?
Ray:  What is buried deeply inside of you that it allowed you to hit ANYONE, especially your wife?  What is your purpose for living? 
Ray, you did not mess up God’s plan for your  life. Do not let anyone tell you that.  That is impossible. Your entire life was planned out before you were born. You will surely drive yourself insane by dwelling on what is now a former career with the Ravens.  Let it go and focus on what is ahead of you. Whatever that may be.  It is your job to find it from inside of you.  
Janay, sweetheart,  it is impossible to love someone else if you do not love yourself.  In order for you to truly love Ray and function as the beautiful, capable helper he needs you will need to spend some time finding that person buried inside of you.  I will not criticize you for marrying Ray, but my heart is heavy that you married him so soon after he knocked you unconscious in an elevator.  I’m sure your  motivation was to help him get past this horrible mistake and to help save his career.  That’s what we do as women..we take one for the team. (Pun very much intended.) However, take a look now…the very thing you tried so hard to protect has now gone away. He is no longer a Baltimore Raven and that would have happened whether you married him or not. This story was written. Seek God for the next chapter for YOU.  Ray has to seek God for what’s next for him.  Only then can you move forward as a couple for your daughter. 
Now, I do not claim to know why this is happening on your journey. I have enough stuff of my own to figure out so I’m going to leave it to you guys to work through it. But here’s what I know…this is an opportunity for you both to heal and become whole. Don’t fake it. Take it! Take the opportunity to become different people – people who love God, love yourselves and love everyone else. 
To sum it all up…
Go take some quiet time to heal without worrying about what the world thinks is happening.  Don’t fix this for the sake of careers and reputations. Fix this for the sake of finding peace and purpose in your lives as individuals who were created by God for something productive and meaningful and as a couple who has decided to spend life together. 
Miracles & Blessings,

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