My NOW Year’s Resolution

I have a NOW Year’s Resolution: To keep doing what I have been doing, only do it better.  It has nothing to do with the turning of a new year. It is simply a way of life.

In April 2012 I started a plan to clean up my life. I started with these three things:

1. I eliminated sugar and “bad carbs” from my diet
2. I got rid of people who sapped joy from my life which changed my behavior
3. I totally focused on NOW, not what was or what might be

My life is a quilt of memories and experiences patched together into a beautiful garment that only fits me (a svelte size 4, jussayin).  How I once wished I could outgrow that garment. Oh! How I wished I could fade into and out of a room without anyone ever knowing I was there. After all, people deeply resented me for the very thing that annoyed me about myself.  My light. So if my light was a burden to me and it made my “friends” and/or  family feel some kind of way, why not just dim it? Why not just hide in the shadows until the light went out? And one day just before my 40th birthday it did.

It was in that darkness that I realized something. I had to keep it real with myself. I had to look in the mirror and tell the truth.  I LOVE my light. I love me!  I was tired of pretending that I did not know that I was smart, pretty, successful, strong, and triumphant.  I was tired of apologizing for the favor in my life and hiding the tragedies and tears that made me who I am today. I was tired of trying to make everyone feel comfortable with how great I am… (only half joking here). I was tired of pretending I was afraid when I wasn’t. I was tired of pretending I was hurt when I wasn’t. I was tired of pretending I was angry when I wasn’t. I was tired of pretending I was broken when I wasn’t.  Most importantly I was tired of hiding when I really did feel those things. I had become a paradox of myself. I cried in quiet and screamed in silence so that others would be more comfortable.  All the while God, my creator was rolling his watchful eyes.  Jesus, my Lord and Savior, was shaking his majestic head.  All those years sitting in church and reading the bible and I still didn’t get it.  It was in that darkness that I caught the revelation: “I AM THAT I AM”

There is a fine line between humility, which comes from God and the disrespectful dismissal of God’s miraculous hand in our lives.

THAT’S when I began my plan.  I decided that the best thing for me was not only to speak the truth but LIVE THE TRUTH. My plan started with a large, fun, farewell, of sorts. A party… one big for all whom I love. One small, for those who I cherished greatly. It was overwhelming. It was telling. It was painful to see the truth unfold before my newly opened eyes.  It was my goodbye to the past and my “see ya later” to the future.

By March of this year, I was “clean”. No more up and down winter weight gain. No more sighing when my phone rings. No more drama in my sister circle.  No more sugar crashes and carbohydrate cravings. No more pretending not to know the answers. No more letting the mental jabs and emotional punches of others pretend to go unnoticed. No more planning what’s next.  I began a course correction – armed with only love and grace.

I decided to feed my mind, body and soul with only (mostly) good stuff. I surround myself with people who – yes, may make human mistakes- but they operate in love and kindness, not malicious, vengeful, bitterness. I spent time re-exploring the New Testament and discovered the book of 1st Timothy, which has become such an integral part of my life. Then, when God fully manifested 1st Timothy into my life, I could not feel more loved and secure under God’s grace.  I started to live under God’s grace by faith and in His love for me and everyone else. I started to see the good lesson in even the worst situations.  I realized that I AM in complete control of how I feel, how I respond, and who I let elicit those emotions and that behavior.  I accepted that I AM loved by a lot of people and full of LOVE for so many people.  I love to dance and laugh and smile. It is a gift I have been given in this stage of my life.  I have had my share of dark times and I no longer apologize for my light.  I cherish everyday because every day is worth it.  I push. I drive. I excel. And yes, I can be overbearing at times. I want to try new things. Yes, I can be flighty.  Everything I AM…. I AM to the glory of God, who made me.  You can call me names. You can criticize my choices. You can laugh at my dreams and point out my mistakes and sins.  I am okay with all of that.  I’m real good with me…  because I’m  Sucka-Free/Sugar-Free.

What do you need to free yourself from right now? Not next year or next month. The only time that exists for you to change is NOW. The only time for you to give/receive love is NOW.  You have never been to yesterday, nor can you ever get to tomorrow. It’s always NOW!  So, what’s your NOW Year’s Resolution?


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